My anxiety Vs My motivation

After a tough start to my solo trip to the States, loosing my grandfather within the first few days and feeling alone, I was seriously contemplating coming home. I was struggling really bad with  my depression and my anxiety had hit an all time high. The first few days after Pepe’s death i found myself driving,  with no where to go and no real purpose in what i was doing. I didnt want to even hop out of my RV. I found myself trapped and constantly struggling to get enough air to breathe. Every breath i took my chest got tighter and tighter and i felt scared cause i was so far away. This exciting prospect of traveling in an RV up the coast has turned into a nightmare.  Am i going to die? Even thinking back on this and writing about my hands begin to shake.

Just imagine waking up, walking out of the RV, not knowing anyone, feeling anxious,  worried that at any point in time you may drop down and pass out, my feet were so heavy and wobbly i felt after walking for 5mins i needed to come back to the safety of my RV. It got to a point where i would park on the street infront of the cafe, or restaurant,  risking getting a fine,  so i would be close to my comfort zone, the RV. I felt like if i was close to the RV i was going to be ok. Luckily for me i had enough medication and plenty of valiums to settle me down, but these didnt last long. I need to find a way to break this mental battle im having with myself, i needed to snap out of this…  i am not a religious person, but i found myself talking to god and even praying in hope that this might help. I need to find a place to relax.

 

I remember driving to this wine country, a place called Temecula.  I thought to myself whilst driving here listening to Jeff Buckley

“I love  my red wine, maybe i can drink some reds, relax and try and get some gigs in this place that i have never been to or know anyone”

This could be the exact remedy to help with this challenging time.

 

When i arrived in Temecula, this town was like an oldschool rodeo type town. Beautiful mountains surrounded it, a heap of steakhouses everywhere and just a short drive from the wineries that they were known for. There was a real vibe on the main street that made me feel like I was in a different era, like I was in the 50’s or something.  I felt instantly at ease. My goal was to start to breakout of this rut and meet a  couple people, talk to them and find out where i might be able to play a couple of shows. Within 2hrs off drinking reds and interacting with some locals i found i place that had a cool little stage. “Do they do live music here” i said to this lady i was talking too. She said “yes they do, you should speak the manager and see if you can get a show”

Little did i know that this conversation between the manager and i would be a game changing moment and the little bit of strength that helped me find the courage to get on with why came over here in the first place- to find  myself.  As corny as this sounds, i felt like i had Pepe with  me, giving me the strength to push on.

 

“hey my name is Sean Marchetti, i am a musician from Mellbourne, Australia.  I would be extremely interested to play a free gig at your venue” i said.

“Hey sean, sorry buddy we aren’t looking for any musicians im afraid” he replied.

After  chatting with him for a while i knew it wasn’t going to happen.

 

I didn’t get the gig.

 

“Whats wrong with me, why couldnt i convert this, how didnt i get the gig, was i rude?”  These were the thoughts running through my head at the time.

 

So how did this conversation be a game changer you may ask? Well thats the funny thing. I cant exaclty tell you. But all i remember is thinking, well thats it, thats all they can say, No. I felt like with this little rejection helped me gain the strength go work on a few things. My approach, my delivery, doing a little bit of research on the venue first and finding the right man to speak too.  All of a sudden this gave me something to do, something to achieve, a challenge,  something to keep my brain ticking . I wasnt even thinking about the anxiety at all now, i have been challenged and now I must respond.

 

Its funny how we can go two ways when we face rejection; we can hide from it and everyone and just bottle it up. Or we can embrace it, learn from the rejection  and and come back bigger and better the next time…

 

I stayed in Temecula for 4 nights, ended up doing 5 shows, played at 3 wineries and gained the courage to not only keep pushing on with this trip but i found myself motivated for the next challenge that presents.  Now,  where to next!!?

 

Sean Marchetti - Live acoustic artist and musician from Australia.

1 Comment

  1. Viswa 3 years ago

    Wow,what a Luxury and amazing things, thanks for the blog.

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*